PlentyofDish

Tactics: A Whole New Level of Class

2012-01-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

Written by Sleaze

It seems that the myriads of men on POF are starting to understand the screening process more clearly. More and more often nowadays, I am shocked and amazed at the effort they put forth when composing that original introduction. Or, as previously observed, the same guy will just send the same or same-ish message over and over again before giving up/moving on/forgetting about it/deleting his account in shame. Or in a clever attempt to shock and amaze with very little effort, he will write something daringly out of the ordinary and leave it at that.

For example
(the effortless shockers):

fatty mc fat fat pants

hello my stoner girlfriend.. what you up toooo??

YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TONIGHT?

So at the end of the day Your a Wu Tang Killah Bee on the Sworm

Its Saturday... sticky iky iky

Hi i noticed ur profile and i was wondering if u be interested in making $2 million in 4 months? u even get a legal contract to guarantee u the money so u cant lose, please message me back

loll...i'm ready to play the game buuut only if i could win a cookie at the end :D

Let's do some drugs ? :P

shwing

What up home slice?

Hi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How are you, how is you week going ?????????? You are so gorgeous on you photo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good day My lady, Welcome to my colours and do share some of your smile here to know me and join me out of this murky waters; what is your name and lets talk; lets meet and lets go gin - gin

Hey, how is your New Years going? You are gorgeous and seem like you can be a lot of fun, are you into couples by any chance?

yes... I am 6'9... Now that the question you have been dying to ask is answered, how is your day going?

OMG, sorry, not trying to disrespect, but I will be very honest.
If I had the chance I would go down on you all damn night.
No reciprocation required at all. That is your call.
But I would love to explore you with nothing but my tongue and lips.
Like I said, not trying to be crude, just honest

(the not-taking-being-ignored-repeatedly-for-an-answer repeaters):

pofguy69 1/11/2012 10:24:16 AM Hey there..how are you?
pofguy69 1/13/2012 11:23:10 AM Hey there..how are you?
pofguy69 1/23/2012 12:57:00 PM Hey there..how are you?

randompofdude 1/16/2012 11:06:53 PM hey how's it going??
randompofdude 1/23/2012 2:06:40 AM hey how's it going??

pof2012kingshit 1/20/2012 4:47:17 PM Bet u look sexy in pantyhose I would even pay to see that
pof2012kingshit 1/22/2012 2:31:46 PM Wow I would pay to see ur legs in sexy sockings

pofbabydaddy 1/6/2012 8:19:32 PM Hey there! What's going on girl?? What's up for the weekend??
pofbabydaddy 1/11/2012 8:57:18 PM WOW WHAT A FOX!!! shit YOUR A SEXYMUTHAFUCKA!!

poflover 1/24/2012 10:02:35 AM good morning luv. how's it going today? are you enjoying yor time on pof?
poflover 1/24/2012 6:02:24 PM Good evening luv. How's it going tonight? Enjoying the new year?

thisguyfrompof 12/22/2011 9:12:46 AM hey where in toronto u from sexy
thisguyfrompof 1/4/2012 10:55:44 AM hey where in toronto u from
thisguyfrompof 1/7/2012 10:53:41 AM hey sexy where in toronto u from wanna hang out
thisguyfrompof 1/14/2012 12:42:36 PM hey where in toronto u from

one I actually had a conversation with:
MRpatient 1/4/2012 10:59:48 AM .........So if your down for that one of these nights you let me know. I swear I'm a gentlemen, I tell you this cause I hear the horror stories from some friends I have about the crazy guys on this site lol. I'm not one of them
MRpatient 1/4/2012 11:49:29 AM Ok I hope I didn't freak you out sleaze. If I don't hear from you, good luck and take care
sleaze 1/4/2012 4:00:54 PM What?? What do you mean freak me out? Are you coocoo. Just read your last message, nothing creepy there as far as I can tell.
MRpatient 1/4/2012 4:04:08 PM Oh ok just making sure...
MRpatient 1/4/2012 4:04:43 PM ;-)
MRpatient 1/4/2012 9:18:00 PM So Miss. Sleaze let me know if sometime in the near future you would be down for a little session in the T.O...I'd come down and bring some weed or drinks ;-) ttyl
sleaze 1/5/2012 8:51:13 AM Yaya I'll let you know
MRpatient 1/5/2012 10:45:45 AM Ok sweet ;-) keep me posted then!
MRpatient 1/6/2012 1:12:12 PM ok keep this guy posted...sometime next week if your interested
MRpatient 1/7/2012 2:48:40 PM Let me know if were gonna link up
sleaze 1/8/2012 10:39:36 AM Lol be patient
MRpatient 1/8/2012 4:30:56 PM I'm Mr. Patient lol ;-)
MRpatient 1/17/2012 12:39:14 PM What's going on? I've been patient lol I guess you already found someone so take care :-)

(the over-achievers):

Hello, my name is ________ how are you? I really enjoyed reading your interesting and unique profile as it shows very good traits and common things we have and that I must say you have a good mind set and you have a good head on your shoulders. Anyways a little about me I'm a twin with blue eyes brown hair, I love to go camping, swimming, drawing, skiing, shopping, going to martial arts and I enjoy cooking. I hate people who play head games, cheat, use and lie, I don't smoke or do drugs and rarely to not drink. I love summer and dislike winter. My music I like is techno, rock and classic. Well I hope I haven't bored you yet... I just wanted to be honest and tell you upfront what I think in detailed just how you are uniquely beautiful you are in both personality and beauty. The beauty of your looks are astonishing how your mysterious and colourful complexion, your sweet lips and your soft and curved body and your beautiful face as the light shines on you like the colours of the fall on a mid warm day and the night sky shines through your. every part of you tells me a story but has a deeper meaning behind it as well. I see the true goddess in you so pure, innocent, care free and loving and I have more to say but i’m getting tired and I am not wanting this to sound forward just being complementary. hope this helps you realize just how purely and truthful your beauty.

Hi
I just viewed ur profile and I am very intrigued.
U r spectacular looking!
I am from ____________ and I am in Ontario once per month on business.
I am looking for a sexy open minded woman to spend some time with. I am attractive and extremely generous and I also understand the value of ur time and take that seriously.
Due to this I am willing to compensate for ur time.
If u r interested please send me a message. If u r not please excuse my intrusion. I meant no disrespect.
Also please know that your picture and bio have made my day.
Thank you and have a great day.
_________

About the best profile I've seen on here yet...
Lots of deep investigation into things makes the return to a superficial view delightfully harmonious with an appreciation of underlying values. Flowers are no less useful to an ecological system for being pretty,
just as a dazzlingly beautiful woman has no less intricate a character, no less vibrant a spirit, on account of the failure by some to see beyond a gorgeous surface...
I'm given the impression of an honest woman who's suitably (if not perfectly) self-aware and comfortable. I'd really like to discover that your taste in films isn't too definitive of your sense of humor, but I can learn to be open-minded.
I'm a pretty big fan of wit, and can appreciate solemnity, (though I usually break it, at least privately) and sometimes I can even be clever. Mostly though, I go for simple joys - I can find a way to laugh over just about anything, and am often stopped in awe over the simple beauty of a given day's sun-setting sky. (Alas, I don't get many direct sunrises these days, my favourite). I like getting high, and enjoy the occasional foray into familiar chemicals I can be comfortable with saying goodbye to. A drug that sucks on the come-down is an easy one to abuse...
Anyway, thought I'd say hello. I think a site like this isn't meant to replace anything about dating/socializing, but rather just to provide an interface to start things - I like the idea of talking awhile anonymously before even thinking about meeting in person, whatever anyone's particular intentions, right?

the WINNER!
There is an ashy, soft glow, sighing within her dazzling eyes
Behind her stone-gray wall, her gates and bridges; mystery’s’ princess cries
She’s a Gypsy Seductress, with Egyptian eyes

She is a sorceress and a firefly that mesmerizes, captivates, then hides
Just when you think you’ve finally found her book of spells
She whirls around you, holds you hypnotized
Gypsy Seductress a thief in the night

She’s an easy believer / deceiver, if you can never do her wrong
To be with her’s an effort, but don’t try to hard to love her
She’ll be moving on
Gypsy Seductress, strings you along

She wears a fools’ gold gown and silver;
sparkling neath a crescent desert moon
If you stare too long, the violet sea will take her and you into its tomb
Around her neck, she wears ten thousand dried and emptied shattered shells
Her long, silk hair’s the colour of Egyptian sands;
an alluring vale, she stares you in
But you can tell, to heaven or to hell
Gypsy Seductress, she’s knows you all too well

If you stay too long inside her room of mirrors, the reflections will have won
Gypsy Seductress, She’ll eclipse you like the sun
Gypsy Seductress, wherever she came from

.....

Speaking of tactics, recent events have made me think hard on just how most people get though the brutally superficial people screening tool that is POF and ever actually end up on a date. As we all know well by now, my screening process is a pretty hard nut to crack. And even being the hard-ass that I am, I still end up with the occasional fucktard. The occasional fucktard, 90% dudes that I'm not really into who aren't really into me, and 5% varying levels of awesomeness. Recently, for a little while I found myself slightly lacking in the date department due to my insanely high standards. Maybe a little of that time was spent wishing and waiting around for date number 6 but I'll revisit that subject later. Anyway, for awhile I had so many dates it was getting to be like a part-time job. Full-time if you include the time on POF and the blogging. And then a nice long period of nothing, because no-one was hitting my criteria on the mark. So I thought maybe I should be a little more open-minded. And then the other day a guy started talking to me who appeared good looking, well dressed, late 20's in his pics but a little annoying in his messages.
He seems smart, well spoken, and good humoured but keeps calling me 'hun' and 'bella' and I kinda wanna punch him in the face. Without too much wasted time getting to know each others entire "personalities" online, the texting begins. He's not quite so smart now, and a little more annoying. But hey, may as well check it out. Worst case: bad date good story. At least he's good looking. So we pick a day and time and an outdoor meeting place and plan to head to a pub. I text him and tell him I'm there as he is nowhere to be found. He tells me he's on his way. Asks me how I'm dressed. Says he looks a little 'funky retro'. Oh..k. So all of a sudden "Hey Sleaze, how are you, nice to meet you!"
And I'm looking at a COMPLETE stranger. Everyone on POF is a complete stranger, I know. But this is actually not the same person as the one in his pictures. Literally, not one thing about him is recognizable in comparison to those photos. Almost opposite. WTFffffffffff. So I tense up and look at him quizzically.
"Hi."
As he's talking about a pub he knows up the street and we start walking towards it my mind is going a mile a minute in different directions. Did I make a mistake? Did I cross messages or something? This guy is acting like nothing abnormal is going on. This is fucked up. Am I crazy? Or blind? Is it him? Can't be. Double take. Nope. No chance ever of any kind of attraction. The opposite of ladywood. Pretty sure my vagina just evaporated into a black hole. Should I just leave? Could it be a mistake? Would it be insanely cruel to walk away from this person? Yes it would. I'm not that evil. Am I? I mean, REALLY. Wtf. No...not so evil. Ok. Can I really go through with this though? 20 minutes. The story. The story. THE STORY. WTFFFFfffff.
So we walk into this little dungeon of a pub. There are a couple suits scattered around but its nearly vacant. We walk over to one of those tables thats half chairs half booth, where the booth runs the length of the wall. We are at a corner. He politely moves out of the way to allow me to take the comfortable booth seat. And then, wait for it--sits beside me. How many times can I re-iterate WTFFFFFffffjfjhfadhfhhfkadfkjfhFUCK.
And now, for the second time, I'm backed into a corner. Pun intended.
I cant help but cross all of my appendages in the direction opposite to facing him. My body is rejecting this situation with force. I'm craning my neck awkwardly towards him so that I'm not actually completely turned in the other direction. Though I might feel more comfortable conversing with the wall I'm nearly wedged up against.
He starts to go through the list of questions he cleverly thought of in advance. From my answers to his interrogation he expertly determines that I'm fun and free spirited and I know myself, but very guarded. I mean, look at my body language. Not that I haven't heard that one before. From dudes who I would rather clean a Mcdicks bathroom after the overnight on Saturday than ever have anywhere near my face. So this is where I pipe up.
Oh, did you want to know why I'm guarded? Well I'll fucking tell you because you might learn something. I'm physically guarded because you're a complete stranger to me and you're sitting right beside me. Who does that? You could be my best friend and it would still be weird for two people to sit beside each other when no-one else is there. Just saying.
He thinks that there are too many barriers in this world. Everyone is so closed off these days. People need to be more open and accepting.
ACCEPTING!?!
Now lets get started on why I'm mentally guarded. How do you expect people to accept false ADVERTISING? I mean, there is a difference between a happy meal hamburger and a big mac. If I'm happy with the hamburger and order that, FINE. But when I order and pay for a big mac, I want a fucking big mac.
I try to calm down and not totally annihilate this person. Try to remind myself that there is a human being sitting there beside me and blasting him with insults isn't going to do any good to me or him. So I settle for matter-of-factly telling him that I'm aware he's a different man than the one in the pictures he put up and that I don't think its a good idea for him to use those pictures as a tactic to lure women into meeting him because he's literally not that person and its deceptive. And being deceptive ("in most cases" says Sleaze the hypocrite) is wrong. He says it is him, four years ago. Whatever. I mean, maybe in bizzarro world in some other fucking dimension co-existing with ours through an invisible time-warp or some shit. But fine, thats you, four years ago. Point being, you are unrecognizable from those pictures.
Take it or leave it.
I, the new online dating expert, explain that in order to have successful dates, you have to be as completely honest about yourself as possible. Because if people don't like you and don't want to date you, why would you want to date them? Maybe this is a personal choice of being an under-achiever when it comes to men, but if you don't want me as I am; oh well! Never gonna chase after you (at least not very far) or try to look like/be like/act like someone who you might take an interest in. Fuck that. I'm too awesome. And there are too many people who will immediately recognize my awesomeness who are also on this super level of awesome.
He says he'll take the picture down. Alas, Sleaze is right again. Don't do it for me though, because this ship sailed at hello.
He notices my eyes wandering to the door where hot guys who are my age keep entering and apologizes that the bar is getting so crowded. Uh...what? Did I mention he is not in fact in his twenties or even early thirties as far as I can tell? Or if he is he must be really, really tired? He asks if I ever take trips to small towns in the area. I don't have a car. Oh, thats ok, because he does. Whaaat? He shows me pictures that female POF users have texted to him. Several of them look like jail bait...just an observation. He disagrees. None of my business!
The short date ends without too much pain and I'm on my way home shuddering all the way. And it ain't that cold out.
Luckily I have another date tomorrow that can't be nearly this bad.

Turns out that date (the day after the train-wreck disaster date) ended up being the most memorable POF date to date.
Was it romantic? No.
Was it love at first sight? No.
Was it too inappropriate for me to write about and post online? Yes.
Am I going to anyway? Yes.

Stay tuned ;)

Lovelovelove from Sleaze

Sausagefest: online shopping for man-friends.

2011-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

Written by Sleaze

Consider browsing online stores for various items such as jewelry, bags, shoes, clothes, lingerie, cell phone cases, hair products, or any rather intimate attire that must suit your personal tastes in order for you to bring out the credit card. Picture all those little handbags in a row, all very different and unique. Some are big. Some are tiny. They come in all different shapes and sizes and colours. They are made of different materials, patterns, textures. Some are plastic and some are leather. Some are cheapo and some are HQ. There are lovely clutches you can easily imagine taking out to the club and waving around in the air while you shake your shit. There are nice sized, luxurious, classy bags that have room to carry everything you could possibly need throughout your average day. There are overly massive suitcases that need wheels and a handle to be remotely mobile and that only make you pack in way more than you need AND then get you charged an extra 50 bucks at the airport.
The point: the options are ENDLESS. Good, bad, ugly, sex-on-a-stick, creepy, lovely, young, old, wrong, perfect, fat, thin, short, tall, hairy, buff, sea-doo, movemberdecembeard, gino, artist, gangsta cornrow doo rag, nomad vagabond, clown college, Suit UP, business casual, biker, hiker, golf-guy, car-guy, baby-guy, boat-guy, outdoor-guy, dog-guy, satan-guy, comic book guy, Apu, Flanders, Homer, Bart, Moe, marketing SALESMEN .....endless.
The only difference-- when you buy a bag you just pay for it and wait til it arrives and provided all goes smoothly in mail-land, you get the bag in a timely manner. Its yours. You don't write to the supplier saying: I really like this bag. I think it would look good with several of my outfits and I would like to take it out and see if it's dependable enough to carry my stuff and impress my friends. On POF rejection is possible and inevitable. The faster one accepts it, the better. Maybe that bag doesn't want to be hanging off your shoulder all the time.
Someone like me can easily avoid POF rejection for two reasons: 1) I'm female. 2) I'm attractive-ish. The method of rejection avoidance is simply waiting for a plethora of options to present themselves in a neatly laid out list for me to scroll through and select accordingly. Just like online shopping. And if you just want to see a few more angles and specific details about that bag before you hit the checkout button: facebook.

This is where it gets exciting and/or horrifying. A few messages are exchanged and it seems that there is definite potential for an in-person connection, and therefore, facebook is the next step moving forward in our online love affair. Unlike Dean, who shot his load way too early and missed the facebook boat entirely. The type of connection varies based on the quality and specs of the bag of course. Ha. So lets get out of this awkward POF world, act like we really know each other, and start communicating through facebook.
Oh shit, we have mutual friends. Oh shit, I have a million pictures on facebook that make me look like a crazy bag lady. Oh shit, a year ago I was a lot fatter. Two years before that, waaaaaaay thinner. This is what I do, this is where I go, this is who I hang out with, this is what I look like in regular life, this is what my friends say to me, these are the videos I post on my wall, this is what I think about them, this is how I dress, this is the quote I read today and enjoyed, these are my opinions.
This is not what I appear to be in my carefully selected online sales pitch album. And this goes both ways. From my perspective I usually enjoy the honesty that the facebook profile brings to a guy and I end up finding him more attractive because he becomes more like a person and less like a product. And if there is something that I see about him on facebook that I'm really not into, or if I just change my mind or get impatient, I can just delete him and assume he gets the idea. But he can also delete me and give me the idea. Which has happened. One guy not only deleted me from facebook instantly, but removed me from his POF favorites. Ouch. I told one of my friends about this and she said "He probably just saw that he's fucked a bunch of girls you know." Thank God for my friends. I love you and I could never do this crazy bs without you.
So, more often than not it starts on POF, continues on facebook, then phone numbers are exchanged and the texting begins. And then I ambush the mother fuckers for a date so I can pick apart the weird things about them and tell the world over and over again how stupid men are.

KIDDING! Kinda.

In truth, I have mastered what I like to call the AMBUSH. This is a great way to pre-screen a guy to see if you can stand him for more than five minutes in face to face reality. After a few texts here and there over a couple days, out of nowhere, I suggest an impromptu meeting. I may even go as far as to have a spontaneous outing in his vicinity of Toronto that I would normally do solo.

Example: 'I have to go to Dufferin Mall because it has the only Wal-Mart in the city limits...wanna come shop for razor blades and tampons with me since you live nearby? Or hit up the Taco Bell after?' Heh heh.

If you ambush them, they are often busy with other things (ideally) but since they want to meet you they will go along with it, but only for a short time because of their other plans, or what they have to do early the next day, or whatever. And if it goes well, next time wont be so awkward. Rip off that band-aid as fast as possible.

Since October I have met five men in person. The first one got pre-screened but not ambushed. I literally told him I needed to pre-screen him because he expected me to just go over to his house the first time I met him. This is pretty common. Fuck that. Two guys got ambushed, quite successfully. And the other two somehow suckered me into proper dates without a pre-screen or ambush.
The first one, date number.....3 I guess, went great. Pre-screen minus the ambush. This date gave me the idea for the ambush and made me realize that this stuff really isn't so bad. But here's the thing. Think about ordering something online. Lets say, OH I don't know, a BAG for instance. You see that bag and you love the colour, the size and shape suit your needs, you can tell it has some substance because it's the real thing; real leather, brand name, etc. It's lovely. You're excited about it's arrival into your life and the new experiences it could bring. No more flimsy handles! No more ripped lining! No more broken zippers! A whole new bag, a whole new world of possibility. The bag arrives. And its nice. It has character. You like it. But. It looked better in that picture you saw. The description of it made it sound a little more intriguing and exciting than what you see before you now. The colour and texture aren't quite so eye-catching. It doesn't appear as resilient as you imagined it. All of these pre-conceived notions you've created have just fucked you over. And what about YOU (me)? What does he see when he looks at YOU? What did he expect and what comparisons is he making about YOU? Can the dude depend on YOU to carry all of his crap and take YOU with him everywhere he goes?
No wonder men are cool with just pockets and wallets.
Number 4 was a successful ambush. I texted him while on my way to his neighborhood with a plan I could execute happily myself or easily include him in. He was busy that night but had enough time for a very short date. The ambush works well because there is no time to build up expectations of the DAAATE and how its going to go. There is nothing leading up to it. If its good, great! Meet again. And if its no good, at least now you know and can move on. Pick a Prada this time, ambush away.
Number 5 was an ambush but slightly different. There was no solo plan, just an idea for a date within the next few hours that was quick, painless, and creative. 'Hey what are you doing, wanna go paintballing RIGHT NOW?' Also a great tactic.
Number 6 was a proper date. No facebook, no pre-screen, no ambush, mild amounts of texting. All I had was a flimsy excuse that I had plans with a friend later. My friend happily forgave me for ditching her. It was, to my surprise, totally awesome. Who knew?
Number 7 was another real date which was planned in advance. By now I'm pretty cocky about my POF abilities and how cool I have become about the whole thing. This is easy and I can hold my own with any dude and all is well. I'm outside the restaurant, I text the guy to come out, he's on his way, comes around the corner, I go in for a hug while he goes in for a handshake, I win but its awkward, we go inside, look for a seat, there is no seat, then we find one, we sit down, I look at this person, he looks at me, he starts talking, and I realize I'm on a date with Frasier Crane. 'Well I've no idea what to say now that I've made the pleasure of your acquaintance. You look hungry. I hope my observations aren't too presumptuous. Please, indulge in whatever you care for, mmm by all means' with a wave of his hand, presenting me with the menu that is already sitting in front of me. 'How are my efforts at charming you concluding so far?' I tell him not to worry, 95% of the guys I meet on POF are fatter in real life than they are in the pictures they post, its all good. I start talking about how I've been out with four other dudes in the past 3 weeks, one of whom I cancelled our previous plan for and met instead of meeting you that day, Frasier. I chug my way through four pints and whole lotta poutine. I tell him that my reasons for being on an online dating site have nothing to do with finding a relationship and nothing to do with fucking randoms. He tells me that a lot of women tell him the same thing. Hmm. That doesn't surprise me. Refund!
I stay long enough for the sake of not being a total asshole and for the sake of potential jokes. I skip out early enough to have a lady date with my bestie. I contemplate texting date number 6 and thanking him for being awesome.
I promise I'm not pure evil. I just don't have patience for what looks like bullshit to me. I have nothing but respect for people who level with me honestly and bring an air of self-confidence in who they are and what they have to offer, no matter what that may be. Because that is exactly what I strive to bring.

Ho's and hums.

2011-11-17T11:43:00.000-08:00

Hello again, lovelies! I left you with a flimsy introduction to the mess that is (was? is? I don't know anymore) my life, so I think it's time to finally start with some solid stories since I'm already way behind Sleaze.

Let's start with Vlad. Mind you, his name isn't actually Vlad, but he was extremely eastern European so it might as well have been. Vlad was the first fish I ever replied to, mostly because I thought he was absolutely drop dead gorgeous and his messages didn't have any spelling or grammar mistakes. He was in advertising, always wore suits and did his hair real nice. I'm a sucker for nice hair. And suits. And advertising. Go figure.

So we exchanged some words, he was witty and charming but he came on way too strong for a first online dating experience. Or maybe I'm just a baby who keeps on forgetting that online dating is actually supposed to be a method for real people to actually meet each other, who freaks out when predators online want to grab a coffee. What? But then I figured what the hell, I'm on this site for a reason, even if it's not to meet the love of my life and get married and pop out 8 tiny humans. So, for the blog, I agreed to meet Vlad a week from then and went along my merry way.

I had a seven days to learn as much as I could about this fish before having to meet him in the flesh and for some reason this panicked me, because in my head I had to know everything about a fish before I go on a date with them, instead of doing it the right way of meeting a fish and THEN getting to know them, resulting in a normal-ish relationship. Or something. So I made a point to talk to him a bit every day, and it didn't take very long to find out that Vlad was absolutely batshit crazy.

It came up in conversation that I enjoy drinking. Often, and a lot. This personally offended him because Vlad, you see, turned out to be a total bible-thumper. Vlad does not drink, or smoke, or have sex. Have I mentioned that he is 30 and a virgin? That being said, I had to question why he was so keen on taking me to Pravda Vodka bar if he didn't condone drinking, so I looked the place up and surprise! It's totally communist themed! What the fuck, Vlad!? I mean, I got the whole "hail mother Russia" vibe from him right from the get-go, but this was just too much. Meeting a super old-school orthodox european fish who was literally looking to wife me in order to finally get laid was just not in my cards. Sorry, Vlad.

Next!

Always,
Viva

How to make a girl fall in love at first click

2011-11-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

Here's a list of Sleaze's favorite online introductions to date. A shout out and a thank you to the delightful male POF population. Charmers. Enjoy.

you need to lossen up.

HI sweetie?

sup white gurl? lol,

Do you ever eat banana bread? I bake it. Its a nice treat every now and again. HELLO!!!!

Hi there. You are a Goddess! Would you be into a guy with a foot fetish? I would beg to be on my knees at your feet...

Hello there, how are you today? I was curious if you might be at all interested in a spoiling type friendship? Please do not be offended, and I hope you have a great afternoon! Bob

i like your profile and i am funny to boot so drop me a line lets chat i am not a creep and i dont have a car so no bjs there lol

(THE WINNER!)
I would swim the entire length of the Amazon river with a dumbbell tied to my scrotum using only Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my oxygen supply just so I can share a Swanson's tv dinner with you over Skype on a dial-up connection

You're quite hot and intriguing to say the least. Getting to know you would be fun. How about a tea date?

Hmmmmmmmm... ya know, if you were a triangle, you would be acute one.

Hey shawty. lemme holla at you right quick ya know what im sayin. checkin you out over there you lookin kinda good, ya know what im sayin. so i was wondering ya know how about you and me go back to the place, get comfortable, probably sip on some of this henney, you know what im sayin, and after that, you know what im... sayin, we can do the grownup and you can let me clap on dem cheeks, ya hear me?

Okay... you are blatantly too far away... but seeing as though you are clearly hotter than a freshly toasted poptart and cooler than a snowman's frosty bits... i have decided that we should chat a bit. hopefully you will concur... or at least not cackle too evilly as you hit delete ;)

just so you know... when i saw your picture.. my eyes bulged out 3 inches, my tongue rolled out like a red carpet and I yelled "AHHH OOOOOOOO GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!"....
I just thought you should know....

hey, how come you declined the IM?

I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."

um so im positive, that, im in love, with you.

is your garden trimed or really bushy lol

i dont talk game and i really like your style, real recognize real, so ima get straight to the point. i think your pretty...got that natural look,you caught my eye wouldn't mind getting to know you, we could be birds of the
same feather....question is can i fly with you..lol

pretend you were waiting for a bus and I asked you for let's say $5 would you take me home to wash your dishes?

Girls on here scare the shit out of me. I'm so brave being here. Like...a modern day...dude warrior.

If you were on the McDonald's menu - I would name you the McGorgeous! ;)

everyone i know is getting married or pregnant. I'm just getting more awesome.

You kinda remind me of me except I'd like to get laid once in awhile...find an ass I like to fuck and really have at it :P

hi i'm carl 32 married in a small town far away from toronto always looking for long lasting friendships..! message me if your interested please. i'm really warm and loving ;).....

These are some of the things that I would like to see happen should we meet...

1. butterflies in my stomach,when i see your face the first time , in real time..
2. a gentle kiss , after we have sat and had something to drink,, but i can still taste what you were drinking..
3. the feeling of your warm breath on the back of my neck after youve taken me home

I could go on..but I must leave something to the imagination....
(excuse me while I fucking GAG)

....

The best thing ever is when someone sends you a message that you don't reply to and then a week later you get the same exact message, copied and pasted from the same exact guy. Which actually happens quite often if you're paying attention.

This is a great example of a classic repeat:

Hey there how you? I just read your whole profile, yes all of it.
:p. You sound like a really nice girl, that I'd like to get to know
better. So I hope I hear back from you soon so we get to know one another better :).

Even better:

I received a message from one Stage 5 Creeper saying:
Subject: Mmmmmmm
Body: the things i would do to you....mmmmmmm

A few days later:
Message from: Creepy Mother Fucker
Subject: Mmmmmmm
Body: the things i would do to you....mmmmmmm

Wrong way to tell a girl she's attractive, especially more than once. Just saying. I have no idea whether he means the things he would do to me with his penis or with a hunting blade. Or both. Way to make someone shudder in disgust instantly. My response: clicking Block User. Contemplating my safety. Disappearing from POF for a couple days....Then again if he was attractive and didn't have a creepy ass camera stare, would my response have been different?
My unfailing conclusion that this website breeds superficiality and creates situations in which being superficial is one's only option proves itself yet again. After finally completing some successful real life dates, I still have yet to be convinced otherwise.

Stay tuned for details on dates number 3,4,5 and more....coming soon!!!

With love, Sleaze

Date Number NEVER.

2011-10-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

Written By Sleaze

I’m not yet getting into what ended up happening with stripper boy, that’s a great story for another day. Needless to say, the POF journey has continued. Of course, as usual, 90% of the messages running through my POF inbox say things like:

“jus wanna say ur pretty ;P”

“Mmmm so sexy how ru today gurl”

“You wanna fuck me?”

Which results in me clicking delete and loudly proclaiming “NEXT!” to myself.
And sometimes there are men on POF who will actually read what you’ve written about yourself and comment on it, state what they think about the things you’ve said, tell you specifically what they like about those things, and/or ask you a thought provoking question regarding your statements. At least simply approach you at some level of dignity by saying that they think you’re interesting for whatever reason and are interested in getting to know you further. For whatever reason. And often these men are not attractive in my opinion which results in me clicking delete and immediately feeling guilty for being superficial.
“Aw. That was mean…but…next…”
And SOMETIMES, RARELY, out of all those dead fishes leaps a robust shiny salmon who seems (I say seems because no matter how someone writes or how they look in pictures, you NEVER know--as we've learned) smart and funny and good looking and relatively normal. The message is awesome, the guy is attractive, height matches up, whatever. And look at that, I’m typing back like a fucking stenographer.
Yes, PLEASE!

This week I received a message from a guy who was very good looking aka fucking hot who also seemed super nice. I checked out his profile. Here is the short version. Let’s call him Dean.

His headline states in not so many words that he doesn’t want to talk to girls who are un-intelligent. Fair enough. Dean is looking for a relationship. Dean is a career driven professional; values ambition and goal-setting ability. Not shallow about material success, rather admires a person’s ability to plan for and create success. Dean enjoys various activities which would indicate that he is athletic, healthy and highly educated. He has a list of attributes he will NOT tolerate and has requested that one does not contact him having or being as such. In general he wants the women he meets to be classy, articulate, independent, and more or less monogamous. Dean believes that every woman is unique and therefore deserves a date specially planned for her.

The way he approached me was very polite and respectful and I really liked his pictures as I mentioned. After reading what he wrote on his profile, I wasn’t sure if he would be into a girl like me. I’m definitely not an idiot, but I’m all about fun right now, not careers and status and pretending I’m classy. The thought of having to act poised and perfect for this guy makes me a little bit sick. I told him that I wasn’t sure we’d get along because I’m currently all about living in the moment, having fun, doing random shit and I like being ridiculous. He responded by telling me that he thought I seemed great anyway and told me I should text him. So I did. And here’s how that transpired. Get comfy.

Sleaze: Hi Dean, it’s me Sleaze from POF.
Dean:  What do you do for work?
Sleaze: I’m a high class hooker with over 500 clients. (No, I did not say that. Obviously I’m changing factual details for the sake of privacy throughout this entire post)
Dean:  Whoa…so when will I be able to see you?
Sleaze:  Haha my clients aren’t that demanding . Any time really.
Dean:  So what area of the city do you live in?
Sleaze:  Financial District. You?
Dean:  High Park.
Sleaze:  Far.
Dean:  Not that far by car. And I own a house so I’m happy here.
Sleaze:  I’m kidding. It’s a lovely area.
Dean:  Do you have any roommates?
Sleaze:  No
Dean:  K good.
Sleaze:  Why is that good?
Dean:  So we can be as loud as we want ;)
Sleaze:  Wow you are presumptuous. Good for you. Do you have roommates?
Dean:  No I live alone, we can be loud together here also. And yes, you’re so sexy, we’re going to have a lot of fun.
Sleaze:  UH wow.
Dean:  It’s kind of exciting. And hot.
Sleaze:  Hahahaha (that was nervous laughter) I thought you were 'looking for a relationship'. (Subtext: I thought you were a proper gentleman who had high standards and wanted to specially design a date for me and my beautiful uniqueness)
Dean:  Well if you are amazing it might progress into that, who knows. (Prick)
Sleaze:  Oh, if I’M amazing. Gotcha.
Dean:  Exactly.
Sleaze:  Never said I was looking for one!
Dean: Well fine, lets fuck like mad and keep it casual
Sleaze:  Here’s the thing. It’s great to talk like that but until you meet someone in person you will never know if there’s any actual chemistry. And if you presume you’re just gonna get fucked, you might be wrong. You already expect way too much LOL
Dean:  Whatever, it will be fine and I know you love a big cock and I have the goods. Want to add me to Facebook, search me: facebook.com/friskydean
Sleaze:  You are a cocky mother fucker. Who doesn’t love a big cock? Way to go (now I’m pissed off. And a little turned on. But pissed off. Who does he think he is?)
Dean: You’ll just have to experience it for yourself I guess.
Sleaze:  Is there anything in there besides a big dick? How’s your personality? Aggressive at all?
Dean:  I do have a very fun and outgoing personality, successful career etc. I’m just hot for you :) I would like to see more of you, Facebook please, facebook.com/friskydean (like I didn’t get it the first time right? And the successful career bit is getting old. Stop rubbing your stupid success in my face, no-one cares, I don’t need you to buy me shit, shut the fuck up)
Sleaze:  Ok whatever I’ll add you later. Go rub one out and calm the fuck down
Dean: Ok…lol. But send me a naughty/sexy photo please
Sleaze:  No! You’re effing crazy. I either like it or hate it, not sure (truth)
Dean: Oh, you’ll love it (forty-five minutes later...) Oh wow, did I ever cum hard
Sleaze: (What the fuck am I supposed to say to this? Me too?) Are you at work?
Dean:  Home. I took the day off because I work insane hours.
Sleaze:  Liar.
Dean: It’s true.
Sleaze:  I’m sure it is I’m just being an asshole.
Dean:  I took a photo of my dick for you :)
Sleaze:  You’re so considerate
Dean:  Want to see?
Sleaze:  By all means, show me whatcha got
(He sends it. It’s big. Kinda wish I had the balls and malice to post it up here. But I don’t)
Sleaze:  Wow that’s huge dude. Lucky you.
Dean:  Well, I would say lucky you! Do you like women/threesomes?
Sleaze:  I don’t know, never done it (lie)
Dean: But you’re open to trying?
Sleaze:  Not with you, honestly. Because you’re a total stranger and I don’t even know if I wanna sleep with you yet. You have great pics but that doesn’t mean anything
Dean:  You’ll fuck me and you’ll love it.
Sleaze:  Now I’m scared to meet you. I feel like you’re gonna maul me in a dirty bathroom. Sometimes tact is just as awesome as bluntness.
Dean:  “maul me in a dirty bathroom” bwahahahahahaha!!!! Well done.
Sleaze:  ‘S how I roll
Dean:  Speaking of, when are we going to meet?
Sleaze:  I don’t know. I’m super confused by you. You’re fucking insane. But high fives for honesty.
Dean: Don’t be confused, just be prepared for a good time
Sleaze:  Don’t assume anything
Dean: I’m not, but I’m always a good time
Sleaze:  How do you know that I am? I might think you’re lame and be a total bitch. What will you do then?
Dean:  I’d skip out on the tab and leave you to go meet some other broad.
Sleaze:  You sound so charming and sweet. Compassionate. Caring
Dean:  I am, as long as you’re not a bitch
Sleaze:  What does that mean to you
Dean:  Just be nice and sweet. Can you manage that? (pffssht)
Sleaze:  Oh ok. And how are you going to be? Gentlemanly. Chivalrous. Pleasant. Dignified. None of the above…
Dean:  I’m always pleasant and a gentleman, actually.
Sleaze:  If you say so. Could have fooled me but I’ll take your word for it
Dean:  I’m always a gentleman, but take me home and I’ll fuck you all night. That’s all.
Sleaze:  Ok. I get it.
Dean:  So...when are we hanging out?
Sleaze:  When’s good for you Dean?
Dean:  I’m booked all weekend so any night next week.
Sleaze:  K I’ll get back to you.
Dean:  K. Don’t forget, Facebook.

This was the end of it, presumably. I thought I would now have a day or two to think this over and debate whether or not to meet this guy. But:

(Seven hours later, at the bar, with the bitches)
Dean:  We should fuck tonight.
Sleaze:  I thought you were busy
Dean: I’m out but I can hook up with you.
Sleaze:  I’m out w some friends, can’t tonight (and they’re aware of this whole conversation, and they’ve all seen your penis)
Dean:  Lame
Sleaze:  Pick up a rando and shut up
Dean: I’ve got one with me, super sexy with fake tits (which I love) but I wanted to see you
Sleaze:  She sounds hot send me a pic of you two (yah right)
Dean:  Ok lol, I’ll ask her
Sleaze:  Take your time
(Fifteen minutes later)
Dean:  Are you getting fucked tonight?
Sleaze: I’m still waiting on that pic...
Dean:  The one in the tube top
(He sends a picture of three girls who are outside somewhere at night in the summertime. Keep in mind I asked for a shot of him and her today. The one in the tube top is so beautiful I’m suddenly almost gay. The rhyming was not intentional but I’m keeping it. Did I just Haiku? Obviously, I’m over this bullshit and if Dean continues to talk to me I’m just gonna fuck with him because it’s too easy)
Sleaze:  She’s hot you should bone her. Why aren’t you boning her right now?
Dean:  I will
Sleaze:  Do it. Cum on her fucking face. And send me a pic.
(Twenty minutes later)
Dean:  I want to tittie fuck her fake tits
Sleaze: So do it
(Twenty minutes later)
Dean: She’s a prude who won’t fuck me. Are you free.
(A friend of mine shows me a penis picture from her phone and suggests that she send it to me, I send it to him, and tell him that I’m busy. With this other penis. Done. Penis picture sent. Another friend gets another penis pic in a matter of seconds and sends it to me. For later just in case. That’s a total of three random penises. In my phone)
Sleaze:  That was so awkward. I just had to explain taking a pic of his cock. He thinks I’m a total freak
Dean:  Holy fuck….I knew you were trash but I didn’t know you were a total whore too :) You’re a cunt and a whore.
Sleaze: I take pride in both. If you can’t handle it go fuck yourself.
Dean:  Huh
Sleaze: You called me a cunt and a whore. Proud of being a cunt. Proud of being a whore. So fuck you and your judgemental bullshit. You are nothing but bs obviously. Been laughing about you all day.
(Insert the just in case penis picture)
Mmmmm so tasty
You wanted a fucking drunk whore and that’s what you got. Peace

And again, I thought this was the end.

(Noon the next day)
Dean: LOL
Sleaze:  Really?
Dean:  I'm laughing for sure. Your message was hilarious.
Sleaze: No, I mean ‘really?’ as in ‘really you’re still attempting this?’
Dean: Yes I’m still going to fuck you. Don’t worry, you’ll love it. What’s your phone #?
Sleaze: Are you kidding me. What. Planet. Are you. From.
(Half an hour later)
Dean: Do. You. Always. Talk. Like. This?
Sleaze: I'm astounded. That's all.
Dean: So you don't want to meet then?
Sleaze: I kind of do actually if only for a good laugh with my friends after but I’m scared I might get killed. So no. (truth)
Dean: You have friends? I don’t see that.
Sleaze: Look I know you’re having fun or whatever but its actually really creepy. I egged you on with the pictures etc, I was just fucking with you because it was funny at the time. I would have liked to meet you but you crossed too many lines. You’re invasive.
Dean: I knew the photos were not real time shots and that you were out for drinks, but it was a fun argument at the time.I don’t know you or think badly of you. I was just messing with you as you were with me. And I’m mouthy when I’m drunk, sorry. (Hm)
Sleaze: Its all good. It was hilarious. I still can’t tell whether or not you’re a total psycho though
Dean: I'm really not, I'm actually a genuinely great guy, just having fun with you. (Maybe he's not so bad after all?)
Sleaze: Just feeling a little stir crazy?
Dean: I was playing your game, that’s all. (Oh, MY game. Right) I had an epic night, super drunk, I made out with two girls and then fucked a third one. (And we're back to square one)
Sleaze: You deserve a statue.
Dean: And I fucked her 4x
Sleaze: I'm applauding.
Dean: You and I should have a go
Sleaze: Why?
Dean: It would be hot
Sleaze:  Heard that a million times. Oh well
Dean: Wow.
Sleaze: Why try so hard if you get laid so easily?
Dean: Because I have a feeling you would be a hot fuck...and I love girls with your body type
Sleaze: Pretty sure I don't believe much of anything you've said so far.
Dean: Oh I got laid last night...but I love to fuck and I’m ready anytime. Especially someone new
Sleaze: That’s nice. Look I’m sure you’re great, but I’m not down. Sure you’re used to getting whatever you want, and you think you want this but I’m not what you’re looking for
Dean: All I want is to fuck you...nothing more than that.
Sleaze: You've made that more than apparent

And FINALLY this ridiculousness comes to a close. At first I was merely amused by this guy who seemed so distinguished and quickly revealed himself to be a total horndog. I thought the whole thing was sooo funny. But the more I've thought about it the more it actually has started to bother me. Just because I'm honest about who I am (in a sense) and proud of who I am: neither perfect nor superior, I am still amazing. And I deserve to be treated with a high level of respect regardless of my social status. I think everyone does. I feel like the description "fun, spontaneous, silly, not looking for anything too serious" was taken to mean "skank who loves getting fucked by strangers as often as possible". Being carefree doesn't mean I'm willing to be degraded or that one should assume this gives them the right to talk to me like that bullshit. Just because a woman isn't a genius or a virgin doesn't mean she will tolerate being addressed like an animal. Why is it that when you try to level with a man as an equal or at least without false pretenses he is either terrified of you or tries immediately to lower you? Or both?
Then again, I'm aware that I'm the one who is laughing hysterically passing a picture of this guys wang around a table of girls. Reverse that to a bunch of dudes doing this and it looks a lot sicker and meaner. Double standards go both ways. Maybe I need to get real about just how much I objectify and disrespect men on a moment to moment basis. Maybe. That's an individual dilemma, and the harm in it depends solely on the intent.

I'm baffled at how quickly and easily my cell phone has been bombarded by cock pictures. I wonder how many chicks offer up pictures of their vaginas without a second thought to random guys they don't know. Or how many chicks would jump at the request. "Hey, send me a pic of your beaver!" Click. Send. Bam. Pussy on your phone in seconds. I wonder what people think and say about those chicks.

Date Number Two: No. Freaking. Way.

2011-10-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

Written By Sleaze

I won’t rehash the cacophony of crap I sifted through to find my second POF date; that would just be painfully redundant. It took more than a week of sandpaper eyes and hairpulling, but I finally found a dateworthy suitor. And yes, my prior dispositions on the POF world have recently changed. NOT! This date seemed amazingly promising and I was almost converted. But you never really know anybody do you? Whatever. Here it is. I came to the conclusion of finding #2 dateworthy for the following reasons:

  -EVERY pic of him looks like the EXACT same guy. And he smartly states that they have all been taken within the last 3 months.
  -He is within a reasonable age range in proximity to my own age meaning he is not still in high school and is not old enough to be my father.
  -He doesn’t live in Brampton, Etobicoke, Pickering, Woodbridge, Ajax, Scarborough, Mississauga, Oakville, Richmond Hill, etc or God forbid: Hamilton or Oshawa.
  -His profile is short and sweet, just enough info to spark my interest, but I still don’t know the names of all his pets and family members and have not read the love poem he wrote to his ex.
  -He isn’t advertising that he wants to find his dream woman on POF and get married asap and have 12 babies. Maybe most bitches are looking for that, but anything heavily commitment oriented sends me running for the hills, or at least to the hall closet where I have stashed my emergency escape fully packed fully loaded suitcase in case I need to fuck off at a seconds notice. Just gotta make sure it’s still there. Ah, thank goodness. A good suitcase hug will slow my pulse back to normal any day of the week. And I haven’t even met you, I’m just reading something you wrote about yourself and posted online. Phew!
  -He isn't advertising that he wants NSA sex parties, no prudes allowed, must love anal, etc etc etc. Not that it isn't tempting, but I got work to do.

So here's how it happened. One lovely sunshiny morning in early-mid September as I get ready to sift through the cesspool that is my POF inbox, a little bubble pops up on my screen saying "%^#$#@(*^% wants to chat". And the options to click YES or NO. I get a little twinge of anxiety....can he see me??? Is this gonna turn into a skype-date? Can I look at his profile first? I'm not prepared for this. My hair is everywhere, I haven't even removed my crusted eye goo or brushed my teeth, not to mention picked my nose yet....so many things going on at once....AAAAAAH! What if I have to leave the convo and take a shit? And the bubble just looms there. Time is racing. Answer is YES. And of course, there is no video camera on me, no one can see me, nothing threatening is happening. Poop is not turtling. I start to calm down as I get to take a look at his page, decide that I like his page, and enjoy his ability to make me laugh out loud through online chat. I realize a whole hour has gone by out of nowhere! Gotta go....

Back home from work many hours later and he's left me a message in my inbox. Says he'd love to meet me. Leaves his phone number. Write back or call me xoxo. An hour later I'm half into a bottle of merlot and still skimming my mouse over each of his pictures. Trying to find a flaw thats of deal-breaker proportions.
But I like how he looks. I like that he's really hot but not a CK model. I like that he has tattoos--and they aren't cheeseball. I like that he looks happy and fun and adventurous. I'm not sure from his profile what he does for a living, but hey, I wrote "Neurosurgeon" for my occupation the first time I hooked up an account. Does it even matter? Maybe.

From messaging back and forth a bit, we find that we live in relatively close proximity and can easily find a meeting place and time that is convenient for both of us. Afternoon patio keeps it casual. Of course upon approaching the date spot the usual heart-stammer from my throat to my navel perks up right on cue. But then slows and steadies a bit because he's already there, he turns around and recognizes me immediately before I have to awkwardly search for him, he appears happy to see me, and whadaya know, we actually hit it off. In yo face Viva. Details aren't necessary here. We all know what a good date's like, or at least we can imagine, and it isn't exactly entertainment worthy. More annoying and off-putting than anything to be honest. Unless you're in happy dating heaven, which, if you are, why the fuck are you reading this? So I'll skip right to the good stuff.

Saturday night rolls around. It's Viva's birthday party. Lets round up the bitches and find us some male dancers. Perverts row, clinkin' martinis, dancing in our seats, shots shots shots shots shots, the walls are vibrating, purple and green strobes are blinding me, I glance upwards and who do I see all oiled and cockringed to the nines?

Yup. DATE NUMBER TWO. FML. Worst part: He looks amazing.

In the beginning...

2011-09-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

This is eons overdue, but hello world! This is Viva, reporting to you live from her bed in dirty socks but thankfully clean underwear.

Where to begin? This embarrassing and shameless scam of finding men online has completely fucked my life in ways I had never imagined.

It was November of 2010 and I had just broken up with a long-term, live-in boyfriend whom I was completely in love with, before he became a total jackasscokehead and I was devastated. I could give you the mopey details, but really, who cares about that shit? Long story short, I finally decided that I'm way too young to be in serious relationships that have the potential to break my heart and distract me from my life/career goals so I went through some miraculous transformation and became a cold-hearted slut-bitch, always DTF.

I wanted no-strings-attached men, to only see them once or twice, to have them be complete strangers and never have to know my real name, to fuck around with nothing on my conscience because I would never, ever in a million years actually tell anyone what I was doing (unless anonymously, through a blog with my bestie, of course) and I could lie through my teeth, denying anything if it ever came up.

Luckily for me, I live in an era of technology that allows such activities through the mediums of websites such as Plenty of Fish. Fuck, yes.

So, there I was, along with Sleaze (who's always DTF anyway), a total trooper who agreed to go on this mission with me after several pleas of desperation out of not wanting to do it alone, taking awkward webcam photos of myself to post up under a fake name, and exchanging my first messages to random hotties online.

Let's just say, everything didn't go as planned..

To be continued...

Yours,
Viva

The lame ass reasoning behind jumping off the band wagon and not posting for 7 months.

2011-09-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

Written by Sleaze

First of all, my dear co-pilot, Viva, being fabulous and oddly lucky, went on all of ONE dates with a Plentyoffish guy and ended up in a happy relationship. Good for effin you.
I, on the other hand, went on all of ONE dates with a Plentyoffish guy and am scarred for life. I decided then and there that I should spare myself the torture and find a better pastime. Turns out knitting and scrapbooking are not as stimulating as one would imagine, and therefore: we back.
Before embarking on a whole new and improved Plentyoffish adventure marathon; I shall recount the tale of....

SLEAZEBAG: DATE NUMBER ONE.

It was February 2011. Dark. Cold. Mean. I spent many a windchilling blizzard night huddled over my laptop, scolling through the mayhem, endlessly debating on who to meet for the first time, the FIRST real online date ever, pounding back the cocoa like an alkie bum on Listerine. And when I say "first" I am not counting the Craigslist friend-o-date.
So. I had several prospects in mind. And I was a little freaked out because some of them actually seemed to have LTR potential. Being a psycho committment phobe, this makes me nervous. Much easier to get on that saddle with someone who has Short Term Fling potential and who I'm really just in it with for the jokes at the bar with my bitches later. Sad truth, take it or leave it.
I began conversations with a dude who had an excellent profile, long-winded, very humourous, charming and witty. Tall, handsome. A kinda blurry pic in the far corner that may not be so favorable...but several well-displayed nice ones. He probably just threw that little shitty one with the extra weight and dirty hippy hair in just to weed out the superficial bitches. Right? After all his profile advertises proudly that he works out every day and is fit, athletic, healthy and strong. That ones gotta be an awkward phase that has passed and now he looks like the ten very nice photos of him resembling a famous actor. So we chat it up a bit and he seems great! Funny, smart, fast typer. He asks me to meet him. I figure: "why the heck not!" And we set up DATE NUMBER ONE.

A night or two later as I approach the meeting place my nerves are stabbing all the way to my icy toes and back to my frosty forehead with every heartbeat. I keep seeing these distinguished well groomed hotties in peacoats walking along and I'm thinking: is it him? As I'm awkwardly staring at random men passing by me I'm terrified that maybe my pictures are too good on the profile; this guy is gonna see me in real life and be disappointed. Every part of me wants to turn around and run back home to my safe and comfortable computer screen. Alas, I open the door. I walk inside. I look around. Past the big guy with longish straggly in the unclassy trenchcoat thats too tight with the dirty hat who is staring right at me and smiling. He gives a little wave. Hey! My eyes unwillingly flick backwards to his and my heart drops into my gut like a big glob of old green bin. Slowly but surely. Sticky all the way down. NO. I want to melt into the floor. And not in the good way. Or burst into flames. Sorry. I'm a vampire. Oh well. Good luck to ya! Fuuuuuuckkkkkkk.

So I go sit down. Hey, nice to meet you, how are ya. His voice reveals its unique sound like a lovely little high-pitched fuzzy creature. YUMMY. Gentlemen, here is your first clue that a woman is NOT into you. Don't take it to heart, there is someone perfect for everyone. You don't want a shallow cunt anyway, relax. Your plan is to go for drinks. You got your pint in front of you. Your date orders....wait for it- a peppermint tea. Get the hint. There isn't even caffeine in that shit. Unless you're healthy yoga people and you're in a wheatgrass establishment, herbal tea means it ain't happenin. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your POV, I truly believe that this is the way human beings work. You know within five seconds whether or not you would get naked with someone. Think about it and be honest with your bad self. And if that bell doesn't chime, if it just hangs there, stagnant and rusty in the muggy air, really....would you like to see if the sense of humour or wallet size makes up for whats lacking? I guess thats subjective.
I wouldn't.
Surprisingly, we actually have a relatively decent conversation. We discuss his current career prospects and how he cleverly started his very own business as a....wait for it- professional BLOG EDITOR. OMFG. If that doesn't reveal a tidbit about my glorious luck in comparison to that of my dear friend Viva....WOW. That one definitely sends a hot minty sip down my windpipe. I manage to stop choking and remain respectful, polite and totally fake (probably due to the lack of alcohol). And even though I'm kinda furious because I'm literally looking at a different person than the one I had previously viewed and read about, I keep my charade intact. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Especially when youda Captain.
Luckily, before too much pain the "date" is on its way to a close and the minute he gets up to go to the bathroom before disappearing into the corners of the night I insist on paying for my hot water, I say peace-out with a family kinda awkward hug tap, and I bolt out the door. I am almost RUNNING. And when I get home I have messages. Would I like to go on a second date?

Am I in a nightmare?

Is laughing and sobbing at the same time normal?

A few hours later and I peel myself off the floor and back to the drawing board. A couple more days and more messaging encounters and ask-outs with the endless POF roster ensue. I get a little excited at a prospect here and there, but deep down I just feel sick. After all, my worst POF fears came true. I'm endlessly examining every photo for red flags with my face so close to the screen I can feel the machine warmth on my face. This has officially turned me into a crazy person and a colossal time waster. I don't like feeling crazy when I'm at home by myself. I get enough of that feeling out in the world interacting with people. Plus there's a whole moral code here that I'm clearly violating. And where's Viva in all this? This was her idea and she's off in relationship heaven while I'm pulling my hair out. And there you have it. The relieving decision to say 'Fuck this nonsense'.

7 months later, after much debating: for the sake of potential fun and adventure, throwing caution to the winds, making life a little more interesting, doing something crazy to get a good story or just see what happens....lets see what DATE NUMBER TWO has in store. Ohhh my.

The fishing begins...and its stinky stinky.

2011-01-19T14:21:00.000-08:00

Written by Sleaze

Oh Plentyoffish. This is fucking awful. Newsflash: if you have no profile pic and you send a message to someone saying ‘heyy’ or ‘I have a really big dick call me 416-647-cock’ do you really think anyone with standards is going to reply to you? Then again, does anyone on here actually have standards? Or give a shit who replies? I feel like I’m just a random target, like these guys are sitting sifting through the photos and sending the same message to every girl that isn’t half bad hoping a desperate one will bite back. Some of this is actually unbelievable. This is so time consuming and pointless I’m almost debating saying ‘Fuck this bs’ and finding a better hobby like barhopping and sleeping with randoms. Then again maybe I should just soldier on. I actually got a message from someone inviting me to be the third in his and his girlfriend’s kinky sex adventures, and considering the alternatives, I’m debating. I feel like I’m scrolling through a thousand half-assed attempts at piquing my interest with ‘What are you doing right now?’ Uh, I’m sitting in my living room wearing sweatpants and a stained wife-beater scratching my ass eating Cheetos and a giant block of fudge what are you doing? Is that what these dickwads wanna hear? Because that’s kinda the sad truth. And then the odd paragraph about how great I look. Thanks so much, you have eyes. Good for you. Yes please lets meet up and I’ll just bang you because I don’t have a brain. Awesome. And some of the guys writing these messages are honestly not half bad. But you gotta think: why are they online looking for dates when they could just approach someone in person and spare themselves the time? Are they really on the site because they want to meet someone or are they just bored? Tied down in an unfulfilling relationship trying to meet someone new before letting go of the old? Looking for random girls to write blogs about?….ahem. Are they really as good looking as they appear on their page? Are they bending the truth just enough to get a girl face to face with them so she has no escape? I realize that my judgements are harsh and biased, nonetheless hypocritical, but still: IT’S TRUE! Alternatively, there are a select few guys who seem wonderful. My feelings are that its best to steer clear of anyone who does not post a picture (because really, get some balls) and/or has any/all of the following statements on their profile:

1. I don’t want drama (then maybe you should go live on a mountain and be a fucking monk)

2. I’m a laid-back down to earth guy (90% of them say this. Seriously)

3. I don’t want to write anything, ask me whatever you wanna know (Way too much effort for an online date, thanks)

4. I’m a respectful, honest, caring, loving gentleman who will listen to you and cater to your every need baby. (Bullfuckingshit. Sorry)

You get the idea. As for the seemingly normal guys, which come about 2 out of 75, I have found that they are usually decent looking, they are not posing with their muscles bulging out or showing off their armstrap/legstrap/backstrap tattoos, they generally talk about what they do, what they like, how they feel about life and what kind of dates they like to go on, as well as their preferences in terms of females who are interested. Plus they usually have a comical way of putting it all together, but hey, I’m a sucker for funny guys. But who knows if any of it is legitimate at all because it is in fact just a page on a computer screen. Call me paranoid, or absolutely right, whatever works. So that about sums up my feelings on the experience of being a Plentyoffish member. Besides the fact that any time a guy looks at me now anywhere I go, I wonder if he is recognizing me from my profile and I’m embarrassed to be seen in public. This is great for my self-esteem no doubt. Not that I haven’t heard a million good stories about online dating from this friend or that friend’s brother or that guys’ mom or whoever. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens on my first official POF date…my stomach is turning.

The Dish: Viva and Sleaze's Inspiration for meeting random guys on Plentyoffish.com and telling the world about our experiences.

2011-01-15T12:33:00.000-08:00

The Conversation that Started it All
Written by Sleaze

Viva: Hey Sleazy, what did you do last night?
Sleaze: Well Viva, I have been dying to tell you.
Viva: Do tell!
Sleaze: Well Viva, I met some random guy on Craigslist recently and last night I went on a date with him.
Viva (laughing uncontrollably): AAAH! What! How was it? How did this happen? I thought you were fundamentally opposed to online dating. You freak.
Sleaze: Well Viva, as you know, my frustrations with the dating world have recently peaked. Relationships these days have become more and more challenging for both sexes for reasons we are all familiar with. Without boring you with an explanation of what lead me to my actions, I will tell you this. In a drunken fit of rage, I proclaimed my dissatisfaction and confusion in monologue form and posted it on Craigslist for the world to see whilst remaining anonymous. And as this was only an outlet for my frustrations, I did this with absolutely no intention of finding a date. But suddenly, and for days thereafter, my inbox was bombarded with emails. All kinds of men sending me pictures of them and telling me they could help me out, ease my pain, buy me dinner, teach me about life, fuck me like gangbusters and make me...you get the idea. And so I stumbled upon this one email that was longer than the rest. It was detailed. It was funny. It was charming. And there was 'oh my!' a picture attached. I cringed a little bit as I prepared myself for some troll to appear before me. While scrolling, I opened my eyes....and....there was this angel-faced beautiful creature of a man displayed at the bottom of the page. I thought to myself: this must be a fake, some crazy guy who entices random desperate females off the internet with this hot guy pic and does unspeakable things to them in alleys and car backseats. Nevertheless I was compelled to write back. And then he wrote back. And then I wrote back. And then he wrote back. And then I sent him a picture of myself. And then I showed his picture to my friends. And they were like: 'Yah..you need to go and meet that dude. DO IT!' And then I said to myself: 'Sleaze, its time to get some ladyballs and be a ladyman.' And so I bucked up and I found myself on a date with this person--last night.
Viva (laughing on the ground): Omg, what the f happened?
Sleaze: Well Viva, it was weird. Because this guy is really cool and interesting and funny and I had lots of fun. I got over all kinds of ridiculous fears just because of the act of actually doing something that made me so uncomfortable beforehand. I felt like I evolved as a person. But. I have no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. The picture he sent me is some freeze-framed split second version of himself that makes him look like 'the sexy jock' and in reality he is, to my highly selective eyes, 'the skinny vegan'. And thats not all, the picture displays a personality that is 'cool and laid back' while in reality the personality (through my filter of course) is 'zany and wickity wack'. There is nothing negative about this person, he's great, he's probably someones dream man. For me, I am serious when I say that I'm actually interested in being his best friend or his big sister. Which is a huge compliment on his part. But thats as far as it goes in my book. Maybe I'm being closed minded, but I'm pretty sure we've all bended our preferences and created situations in our lives that ended up being less than favorable. And thats a really fucking nice way of putting it.
Viva: Oh Sleaze, you never cease to make me piss my pants when I talk to you. The fact that you think you can befriend a guy who met you online because he wants to get laid is beyond hilarious. You really are a naive little chicken.
Sleaze: Well maybe.
Viva: Lets make profiles on Plentyoffish.com and go on dates with randoms and write a blog about it.
Sleaze: I'm down.